220+ Jimmy Carr Jokes About Life, Love, and Laughter For 2025

Looking for Jimmy Carr jokes that make you laugh, groan, and shake your head all at the same time? You’re in the right place! Known as the king of one-liners and cheeky comebacks, Jimmy Carr has built his reputation on jokes that are quick, clever, and a little bit wicked.

In this blog post, we’ll dive into collections of funny Jimmy Carr–style jokes—sharp punchlines, witty puns, and perfectly timed gags. Each section is packed with quick-fire humor to keep you laughing all the way through. Let’s get started!

Best Jimmy Carr One-Liners 😂

I have a lot of growing up to do… I realized that the other day inside my treehouse.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 a.m. Luckily, I was still up playing the drums.
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
People say money talks. Mine just says goodbye.
My girlfriend said, “You never listen.” At least, I think that’s what she said.
Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, “Because of inflation?” I said, “No, because of rent.”
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
My doctor said I should cut down on drinking. So now I just drink with smaller glasses.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
The man who invented autocorrect is going straight to hello.

Jimmy Carr Dark Humor Jokes 🌑

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you walked in.
The worst part about parallel parking? Witnesses.
The best way to make someone remember you at a funeral is to fall into the grave.
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I broke up with my math teacher girlfriend. She was obsessed with functions.
I’d tell you a construction joke… but I’m still working on it.
I have an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I’m friends with all electricians. We have good current connections.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Why don’t graveyards ever get Wi-Fi? Too many dead spots.
If I ever get kidnapped, I hope it’s by someone with free Wi-Fi.

Jimmy Carr Jokes About Work 💼

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
My boss said I should dress for the job I want. Now I’m sitting in HR dressed as Batman.
Hard work never killed anyone… but why take the risk?
Teamwork is important. It helps you blame someone else.
I love my job—mostly when I’m on vacation.
I asked my boss for a raise. He said, “Because of your hard work?” I said, “No, because I’m broke.”
Meetings: where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
I work well under pressure. But only if it’s not too much pressure. Or work.
If hard work pays off, why do millionaires own yachts instead of shovels?
I’d agree with my boss, but then we’d both be wrong.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
I have a photographic memory—just without the film.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Work hard today, so tomorrow you can be tired again.

Jimmy Carr Jokes About Relationships ❤️

My girlfriend and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
My girlfriend said I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.
The secret to a happy marriage? Two TVs.
Relationships are just two people constantly asking, “What do you want to eat?”
My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores me until she wants something.
I married “Miss Right.” I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Nothing would make me happier than diamonds.” So I bought her nothing.
My girlfriend said I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Marriage is like a workshop. The husband works, the wife shops.
My ex and I are still good friends. We just don’t talk, see each other, or acknowledge existence.
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in five words. She said, “Lazy.”
I thought I married my soulmate. Turns out, she was just my cellmate.
Love is all about trust… and deleting your search history.

Jimmy Carr Jokes About Everyday Life 🌍

I told my suitcase we’re not going on holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I only drink on days that end with “y.”
My phone battery lasts longer than most relationships these days.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.
I used to run marathons… on Netflix.
My bed and I love each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
My Wi-Fi is like my relationship: unstable.
I’d like to live forever. So far, so good.
My mood depends on how good my hair looks.

Jimmy Carr Jokes About Friends 👯

Best friends don’t judge each other. They judge people together.
A good friend helps you move. A best friend helps you move bodies—metaphorically.
Friends are like bras. Supportive, hard to find, and close to your heart.
I love inside jokes. I hope to be part of one someday.
Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something worse.
We all have that one friend who’s bad at directions. If you don’t, it’s you.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear.
I asked my friend for advice. He said, “Do what makes you happy.” So I stopped talking to him.
My best friend and I are the perfect duo: I’m smart, and she’s good looking.
Friends are therapists you can drink with.
True friendship is when you don’t have to talk for months, and when you do, you insult each other immediately.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
Life was meant for good friends and great Wi-Fi.
Fake friends believe in rumors. Real friends believe in you—until you mess up.

Jimmy Carr Jokes About Technology 📱

My phone’s auto-correct changed “I love you” to “I loaf you.” Now I’m dating a baker.
Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
I asked Siri to call my girlfriend. She hung up on me too.
I changed my password to “incorrect.” So whenever I forget it, my computer says, “Your password is incorrect.”
Social media is great. It lets me waste time more efficiently.
My phone has more memory than I do.
I texted my boss, “On my way!” I was still in bed.
Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
I deleted all my German friends on social media. Now I’m Hans-free.
I asked my computer for a joke. It said, “404 funny not found.”
My favorite button is “undo.” Sadly, it doesn’t work in real life.
I took a selfie in the fridge. Now I look cool.
My phone battery dies faster than my motivation.
Autocorrect: making me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
The cloud isn’t safe. That’s where my secrets rain down.

Jimmy Carr Jokes About School 🎓

School taught me to count. Now I can count how many things I forgot.
History repeats itself. That’s why I failed it twice.
My teacher told me I’d never amount to much. I told her, “You don’t grade me anymore!”
The only subject I passed in school was lunch.
Geography teachers have lots of latitude.
My report card was wet. It was below C-level.
In school, they said I’d never get anywhere daydreaming. Joke’s on them—I became a travel blogger.
My teacher asked me to name animals in the Arctic. I said, “Polar bears.” She said, “Good, now name another.” I said, “Two polar bears.”
School prepared me well… for answering security questions.
Algebra is just letters trying to find their ex.
I was great at spelling. Except when letters got involved.
Detention was my second home.
In biology, we learned about cells. I was texting from mine.
Teachers call it cheating. I call it teamwork.
Graduation: when you trade one set of problems for another.

Conclusion 🎉

And there you have it—120 Jimmy Carr–style jokes packed with wit, one-liners, and laugh-out-loud humor. Whether you love dark humor, workplace banter, or everyday observations, Jimmy’s sharp style has a joke for every occasion. Share these with friends, family, or coworkers when you need a quick laugh—you’ll always have a punchline ready